Sophomore ELA teacher Betsy Wagner is reportedly still using a typewriter to grade students’ papers. The typewriter is a 1929 Urania typewriter and is rumored to be almost as old as she is. Her complete lack of understanding of modern technology has led to confusion among students and faculty.
“She only recently started accepting work in pen instead of only in feather quill pens,” sophomore James Kurtz says. Although still outdated, Ms. Wagner’s new acceptance of the pen has been regarded as a major victory among students.
“Before this,” a disgruntled student says, “every student had to learn to make a quill pen and bring their own ink to school.”
When urged to incorporate technology into her classroom, the geriatric teacher often responds by mumbling something akin to “ungrateful twerps” or “damn hooligans.”
“How can she appropriately address the modern needs of ELA students when she doesn’t have a computer?” student Isaac Glenn asked.
The fluorescent ceiling lights present in Ms. Wagners’ classroom have seemingly remained turned off for decades—if not longer. Instead, the ELA teacher chooses to have her room entirely lit by candles.
“The wax gets everywhere,” Sophomore James Kurtz says, “I can hardly ever see what I’m writing. it’s so dim.”
But not everything about Ms. Wagner is dull, she often serenades her students with lively music from her mid 1800s-era gramophone. Oftentimes, she plays the top ragtime hits from the newest moving picture show. The most popular songs among her students include Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, Scott Joplin’s The Entertainer, and Hurrian Hymn No.6.
“I think the music really increases morale,” one of her students says, “although some of it’s kinda creepy. I’ve tried to look up some of the more obscure songs she’s played and there are no records of most of them existing. Honestly, it’s a little concerning.”
According to Mr. Suderman, “Every piece of paperwork recording her existence is either missing or has the date mysteriously scratched out.” Because of this, there is no way to know how long she has been working at THS. Every teacher we asked said they rarely interact with her and cannot remember a time when she hasn’t worked here.
“I don’t think she works for the school. I think the school works for her,” an anonymous student stated.
