Attachment can look many different ways. You can be attached to someone emotionally, you can have an anxious attachment, a secure attachment, or a disorganized attachment. There are many different ways you can become attached to someone, and maybe even other kinds of attachment. We will be focusing on avoidant attachment this time.
And maybe this will guide others into exploring themselves in this particular way. Why you may be pushing someone away because deep down you want them to pull you closer, but not knowing what the reason for it is, can be a very complex topic, that can also take a massive toll on your desire for anything to do with relationships, and possibly any sort of intimacy.
When you are avoidantly attached to someone, you are deep-down attached to them, but externally you are sort of unaware how to show it. But that’s just the basics of it.
Avoidant attachment is a relationship style characterized by discomfort with emotional intimacy and a strong need for independence, often causing one to avoid deep emotional connections with others. (The Attachment Project).
But it can look different for anyone. You can struggle with a group of different things, or just one. When you are avoidantly attached to someone, you emotionally distance yourself. You don’t have the desire to talk about or communicate your feelings, even though you wish you did.
You may also be hyper-independent. To be hyper-independent is to pursue an unhealthy level of independence. (Buchwald). You solemnly rely on yourself and sort of refuse help or assistance from other people. This can eventually lead to challenges, such as: trouble maintaining healthy relationships/friendships, trouble with teamwork, and reaching out for help when you really need it.
Lastly, another very important aspect of avoidant attachment is the fear or struggle with intimacy or showing affection. This can look like disconnection from someone once they notice things may be getting serious, sort of shutting down your desire for affection or intimacy due to the fear of being hurt, not letting people in, and much more.
Avoidant attachment is not something to be ashamed of, although it can be very difficult to live with at times.
However, individuals that have avoidant attachment are often highly successful, due to how much time, effort, and energy they put into things that aren’t friendships and/or relationships, which can be looked at from different perspectives.
Works Cited
“Avoidant Attachment Style in Relationships – Complete Guide.” Attachment Project, https://www.attachmentproject.com/avoidant-attachment-relationships/. Accessed 31 October 2025.
Buchwald, Natalie. “Understanding Hyper-Independence: Is It a Trauma Response?” Manhattan Mental Health Counseling, 7 April 2023, https://manhattanmentalhealthcounseling.com/understanding-hyper-independence-is-it-a-trauma-response/. Accessed 31 October 2025.
